This one calls for what I call the Gladys response, because I saw it articulated by a woman named Gladys. Enjoying life and nothing else. The genered expectations in our family are much more of the women do the planning variety which can get super annoying when wed like to just go along for the ride every once in a while. 7. heres what i dont get: why would it be a problem, in the scenario youve given, to say, eh, i wish, but im swamped this week, shitYXZs been happening, ill ping you next week tho. Thats my go-to when someone asks me what I am doing at some point in the near future. Lots of commenters here are noting that people ask about weekend plans as small talk. because sometimes we have plans that cant change. Im also annoyed by these questions! I understand commenters who dont see this question as anything more than polite small talk. Try these OOO messages to let people know you're taking a break. So I said, Dont do this. Since "doing" is an action verb, we need to use the adverb "well" to describe that action. But if I dont, I have that empathy worry, like what if they only said yes because they felt like they couldnt say no? Giving my notebook a bath. Its okay that I struggle with anxiety. Funny Responses To How Are You Save Image: Shutterstock Somewhere between better and best. Its clearly related to the other ones, not just random strangers. My cousins with kids are trying to push their 8-12 year olds on me to tutor them and Im like 1. I love so hard your example in #3. Bye. 96 views, 2 likes, 0 loves, 0 comments, 2 shares, Facebook Watch Videos from J.Cano: Law & Order: SVU - Best Episode That way they know Im not just sitting around with nothing to do, so I havent just signed myself up for free babysitting or moving services. Youre my first choice, but you are not my last hope., (3) So, I know this is a little awkward, but recently Ive realized I like you in a um well, in a romantic way, and I would love it if we could maybe go out on a date sometime and see how that goes? Ive been loving all your responses on this thread. With friends, I might have the motive of finding time to hang, but often its just to find something to talk about. I compared to you older friends of mine I see ruining their relationships with their adult children through constant disrespect, but then being bewildered as to why things are going so badly. Jana: It's ok. I'll catch you later. Yeah, my parents did that too. It is one of my pet peeves. This way Im letting them know why in the same breath, and giving them a potential out. How are you? So setting a rent that I would for any other adult is simply not applicable. Not every parent who expects stuff from their kid is unreasonable. For example, I used to host (board and card) game nights at my home, and Id create an event on Facebook, invite everyone who was part of this group, and ask them to please let me know as soon as they knew whether or not theyd be there, at least by the day before, so I could plan how much food Id need to buy/make. There is no need to think about what they're up to or why they sent you the . It doesnt actually mean how are you? in the same way that goodbye does not actually mean God be with you. What it means is, I acknowledge you, fellow human being. In some ways, its helpful to think of it not as a phrase but as a pair of words: how-are-you, fine-thanks-and-you. Theres also I feel like its somewhat related to not saying no also). It can often be an explain why youre a POC kind of thing in many countries with white majorities, and seen as a whole (its a super widespread phenomenon) it shows how far away our societies are from truly accepting themselves are diverse. My suggested response in to this question is therefore is just, I have finished planning yet, or still not finalized possibly followed by what are you up to? This is fairly similar to the Ill need to check my calendar, suggestions and still works if you arent the sort of person who uses a calendar and youre talking to someone close enough to know that about you. Crossword puzzles, chess, sudoku, or other puzzle games Cooking Travel Gardening Art, music, crafts, writing, podcasting That it can be based on something as intangible as a mood. Im with this LWask me to do a specific thing or dont. My response to that is usually a sassy Depends, why?. I love organizing events and I confess to having asked that annoying question several times, mostly in order to know if a particular friend I would love to invite is available on that date. In my case this is always 100% true because unless I literally have my calendar open in front of me I do not know what I am doing at literally any time on any day. This strikes me as so strange! And it's a great way to know what's at the top of someone's mind. Ive noticed that sometimes when coworkers as me what Im doing theyre really just politely trying to start a conversation about the weekend so they can tell me all about their exciting weekend plans. Itd be a big help, but if not I could find someone else. Which is a lot of caveats! ? I had a boss once who sometimes wanted to know if I could work overtime on the weekend, but sometimes wanted to know if there was quirky events on that her daughter might be interested in. parents of adult children pull this exact same rude little stunt, I am the parent of an adult child who is living at home, and I have been training myself since her teenhood to say, I would like to claim some of your time this weekend or I would like to ask a favor for this weekend, if youre available. or would you help me with X instead of are you busy? (OK, sometimes Ill say, Are you busy? Getting up before 10:30 drinking some more beer and starting to work on my truck/dirt bike this should consume your whole Saturday until about 10:00 then you drink lots of beer and head out with your buds. My parents and my in-laws have requests that my husband and I dont feel we can refuse. No, just running some errands. ), This is one of those times where having a live-in or serious SO/partner/spouse is super convenient. Find an answer. Fine, thanks, and you? Or why do I feel entitled to her presence and her company? In ways that I doubt he even always notices. Im sure its benignly intended but its intrusive. I think you nailed it with that last bit, to an epic degree. But different cultural norms! (And boy howdy, did she get pissy when I responded with not really. We did NOT live together well.). Oh thanks capn for the hilarious answers!!! Most people would rather talk about themselves than anyone else, so turning the question back to them will almost always divert them from further questions about what Im doing. I definitely would never say this to in-law oversteppers. She can of course say, Im taking some mental-health time, and live with whatever fallout from being an unhelpful family member. I personally feel really pressured by the question simply because it puts me in the position of having to say yes or no before I even know what Im saying yes or no to. Im usually free Wednesdays and Thursdays, or I could do a weekend if we plan ahead., Translation: I want to have dinner with you sometime. I think with the people I know it is fairly mutually asked for that reason. I think it goes back to the same annoyng assumption there are people who assume your time is theirs. Let the customer know you empathize with them and use their name to personalize your communications. And then I would walk away thinking that was a really awkward conversation and wonder if that person didnt like me or was fishing for an invitation to something or what. Jumping from Are you doing anything on the 3rd? to I need to know if youre coming on the 3rd so I know how many pies to bake! would be really confusing. My workmates and I ask all the time stuff like what are you up to tonight/on the weekend? and its almost never a prelude to inviting them to something, its just small talk sharing our lives. Culture or not, Im very sympathetic to people who have a hard time saying no, since that used to be me. So the correct answer is, "I'm hanging out with you." Most of the time, that's the right answer. I can vouch for this strategy! I honestly dont even know why people say it at all when Ive never seen a follow-up to it. To put it another way, I guess: this is such a normal way to open a conversation that being annoyed by it means that you will be annoyed by a wide variety of people, forever. To me, thats pretty manipulative and when its done I generally conclude that its done on purpose. Nothing much. I wish people could just say I want to do (thing) do you want to do (thing) with me?, All I can tell ya is what I have been doing for years: Not making it a big moan-y you alwaaays ask that! just an in the moment, you know were close enough that we dont have to do this dance sort of thing. Im one of those foreigners who are mystified with the use of How are you? in the US. I ask what are your plans for the weekend? *overwhelmingly* more often because Im genuinely curious: then they ask me, and we talk about our hobbies (or I say not much and we agree that laying around is nice.) I also (insert similar hobby or interest). I have a group of friends now whom I trust not to give me a hard time about the explicit choice to paint my toenails in front of Netflix instead of going out. It is perfectly ok to want some calm alone time or time with a cat watching Winter Olympics (that is actually great, our cats especially seem to love skiing) and no-one else really needs to know. Those of us who are white have a hard time grasping the sheer weirdness that tends to go into this stuff. However, there are a lot of male people who use this approach on female people because they are trying to be coercive. What are you up to this weekend? My instinct leads me to: answer back in the affirmative (great) because Performing Happy is expected of us, thank them for their interest (thanks), and repeat the gesture (yourself?). More words, people, not less. Here's the most obvious answer that no one can argue with. "It's Friday baby!! I cant see into the future and neither can the people in my life. She does recognize that its a way people make small talk and that its not likely to go away any time soon. Its aggravating, but it makes sense. (Id definitely use this for the likely-to-request-babysitting sister, for the recordany time youre asking someone a favor, you lead with that, you dont try to trap them into it!). Hah. Because shes a family member. Ive realized its very important for us. And then he goes around and rants to all his buddies that women are sooooooooooo shallow because she *wouldnt* date him based only on his appearance (yes, I know the flaming illogic is bizarre). But *I* am entitled to enact some of that fallout myselfits not all about her, shes not the only one who gets to be offended and feel pushed around, etc. @TootsNYC If you want your daughter to do her share of chores, it is a better idea not to tell her to take the trash out (now or in the next couple of hours) but rather have a family meeting at the beginning of the week, talk about what needs to be done (not only stuff that you consider important but also stuff that your daughter considers important) and then you talk about who does what. *Him: Hello, how are you? What did _you_ have in mind?. The underlying assumption, is/. And I agree that literally saying No, I dont want to get to know you better is a bit off. I know its a common question and Im sure most people dont mean anything bad by it. Silly Friend: what are you doing this weekend? Im in my 20s and married, living away from home, but I feel like Im constantly playing tug-a-war with my parents and were fighting over boundaries. Re #1, true that. Im busy! Must say I kinda love your kids response. Shampooing the grass. What are you doing? (So Tuesday is the only day safe from that question, ha. 2. I think it depends a lot on context. Sorry about that! Photo by Josh Rocklage on unsplash 02 "Not you, unfortunately." 2, They ask assuming Im also from somwhere else, prepared to bond over that and my answer is almost always a small dissapointment and Im never sure quite what to do with that. I think theres some ask culture vs. guess culture stuff in here too? Its a little involved because Mittens needs daily collagen injections and also shes doing primal scream therapy. One evening he bragged that he never outright asked anyone to do anything for him. Right now? This week is bad for me, but next week Im free except Tuesday. You obviously dont have to do things any differently than you are, BUT if this conversation is frustrating and/or awkward, you may find that it goes more smoothly if you offer something up. Everyone else usually stops after the how-are-yous are exchanged. They dont really need the details, and wouldnt know what to do with them. Yes, this. I have never had it used against me as an ableist term, but I will use a different word in the future. @TootsNYC Just wanted to say that I really like the phrasing you spell out in your first comment, in that youre acknowledging that youre making a request for your daughters time and effort. 8. TootsNYC, thanks for responding and considering what is said. And to this day, unless its a good friend with whom I know I can say eh I just dont feel up to what you suggested even though Im not busy, I get anxious whenever someone pulls the so what are you up to on X day? question. So I know what youre talking about. Im not sure it would work on modern creepy dudes. I get a bit awkward when people ask me that question too, because of the whole half-agreeing to plans before theyre actually exposed (I never considered it nosy personally but I can see how it might come across that way). If they mean well then they will try to stop when you explain that you prefer to be asked directly. (If they meant the invitation) Them : OH! Mostly they arent great at invitations. Also, Ive had dozens of this same conversation and witnessed hundreds more: [person comes up to their friend] After reading comments, Ive come to the conclusion that Ive over-generalized my preference (anxiety? I might not feel quite as entitled to her time, but Id probably still think there were some things I could ask of her that shed be wrong to refuse. (This one is so trite that it takes a few moments for the humor to sink in.) And LW is already handling the situation in the best possible way by giving noncommittal answers. Or, if I tell a potential date some generic things (oh, probably reading and writing a lot) and add that Id like to take a break so they know Im open, Im engaging in the same coy behavior thats bothering me in the first place. Whatever hits them the hardest should work just fine. And then they get all pissy because the girl is taken aback by being asked out so abruptly by this guy about whom she knows pretty much nothing except his appearance. Im glad youre no longer friends with that jerk. This is a very funny response to give to "whats up." The good news is that when you sense an ulterior motive or that an invitation is imminent you can answer Dunno, Id have to look at my calendar to say for sure. There are a couple of questions my Mother asks that trigger a Pavlovian eye-roll from me because I know they are invariably followed by a request for a favor, to the point where if someone else asks me the same question in a totally innocuous way, I still react to it. Makes sense. I also think that most of the people I hang out with get this, and with the exception of more formal plans, would agree. Do you like, like me? We can debate all day whether that should be true, but it is. Absolutely, this too. I can find someone else, so dont worry if youd rather not-Mittens likes you, so I thought of you first, but I know at least two people who have been angling for some alone time with the fountain., Translation: Here are all the ridiculous things I am asking for, and the dubious rewards I can offer in exchange. This is a different way of reacting to a social interaction. Then Ill say Whats up? or Whats going on then? or What did you have in mind?. Then I can pin them down on what, and when, without having pre-committed myself to some favor they were hinting at sideways. Her example story of failing to ride herd on rude white people sufficiently involved being at some luncheon or other with a couple of her grad students from India. So finding out if you have plans at a given time becomes an underhanded way of tricking you into agreeing to something, like LW mentions in point number 2. When I issue a soft invitation I am often not sure if the person wants to hang out at all, and getting a Yes, get in touch and let me know when youd like to do something would encourage me to go on and do the planning whereas Yeah, we really should I would be more likely to read as I dont really want to do anything. This is true, but it will almost certainly come with a cost. For those who are ready to stand out from the crowd, we've gathered ten hilarious out of office messages that will inspire you to raise the bar the next time you sit down to write an autoresponder. No matter what I say its, okay, well I was just gonna see if you wanted to [actual invitation / request]. As in, What are you doing? is another way of asking What are your hobbies?. Of course, he keeps doing it his way, so I just ask dunno, why? My DH reminds me when predictable events are coming up and advises me to fill up my calendar! Again with the caveat that you have to tell the person whom youve used as an excuse that youve done so! I still have the same question of why do this? Ill do it anyway, but saying it that way doesnt make it somehow not an order, Mom! Well, now I know? ), You can also be very vague, but leave the door open for follow-up if you want to share. Rob: Hey Jan. Good, thanks, you? Also, if you want people to drop the polite social conventions and be direct with youmaybe try directly telling them this? Yeah, I do the same. Lets do it.). I automatically ask this without thinking about it pretty often. I am eating. 2. I need you to babysit. I saved up enough to move out. Indeed, I often hear it as an attempt to trap me into doing something.
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